Rock Bottom

a year later....

A year ago, I was at the lowest I had ever been. Which I now consider my rock bottom. I was in the ER in Bozeman after I took a bungee cord to the face only to be protected by my sunglasses. I drove myself on pure adrenaline with my sister on the phone states away as she made sure I got there. Once laying in that hospital room I thought I couldn’t possibly get any lower then I was right then. Surprisingly, it really couldn’t. As I gave my information…Single, therefore alone, the most alone I have ever felt. Unemployed as I was recently let go from the job, I had dumped my entire live savings into. Bleeding, which was getting under control. And sad, probably the saddest I had ever been. As I laid there, I knew my decision to return back home with my tail tucked between my legs was the right thing to do and looking back probably the best thing I did.

A few weeks prior I had returned from a week off of vacation to be called into my boss’s office, it boiled down to that I wasn’t a good fit for them and for me I was hating every second of the 24/7 job I was given. Not the one I was hired for. So, I was let go that day with no backup plan. I’d used my entire savings, or what was left from the medical bills, to pay for my move to Montana plus 4k in deposits on an apt that I for sure would now be unable to afford the 2.2K in rent alone. I debated for weeks if I should stay in Montana or come home. But with my family’s support, as always, and two good friend’s support. I used the credit card to book a U-Haul and planned my return back to my parents.

Now I can walk you through all the nitty gritty of what I endured in Montana instead I’ll bullet point it.

• 2 days before I was to leave, I was told my company housing was no longer an option as I had Stella.

• I then lived in a camper in another employees’ backyard until the mice and the snow won and it wouldn’t stay heated. Then a micro studio was the next option; I moved 4 times in a month.

• I finally got the Covid’s the day I finally got an apartment, to only sleep on the floor with Stella for a week and lived on pickles and peanuts. By choice as it was the only things I could tolerate and enjoyed. I would lose my taste for 3 months and smell for 6.

• I then worked 24/7 and the goddamn phone I was given was my nemesis and I am sure I still have PTSD from the iPhone phone ring.

Soo, you can see it was a bit rough for Stella and I but with her by my side I was determined to keep going and the highlight of my time there were our daily walks where I would enjoy the view and The Bobby Bones Podcast. The two things that got me through my hellish time.

For those that know I was also 6 months post-op from my hysterectomy, and I probably should have been taking better care of myself, but I was determined to push through the brain fog and fatigue that lingered since surgery.

Now, here I was with a black eye and stitches and driving a U-Haul back home to Washington. Did I look like a woman on the run? I sure did. U-Haul, dog, black eye, and a hat to keep my face covered when I would enter gas stations.

In hindsight I was on the run from my own life and the mess I felt I had made. Only for me to have to do this same drive 5 days later alone; in my car sitting with my own thoughts was far from easy. For the first time I wished I had a partner, a boyfriend, a spouse. Someone to say I got you. I will cover that bill, I will help you, I am here for you. That ultimately would come from my parents and my friend Missy. My parents let me move home at 40, very cool, and get my bearings back while I decided what to do next. I would fight for unemployment for 2 months. Once that came in, I was able to breath and take my time deciding what I wanted to do next.

Now I did also run off to Arizona to hid from the reality of my life. But the gray dreary rainy skies of the PNW were no match for my sadness as I watched my spark fade away the past year. Once in Arizona I was determined to find that spark one sunny morning when I was out with the dogs and felt truly happy for the first time in months. I realized it was in there I just had to find it and fight for it.

I would return home before Christmas to start helping at the coffee shop on a “when I wanted to come in.” Mostly early as I wasn’t able to sleep past 0400 at the time. I was there for fun and a way to get out of the house. Missy gave me a place to find my footing.

By spring I was feeling a bit more like me and coming out of the gray I was living in and making some decisions and just what my options were. By May I would finally decide to actually work alongside Missy at the coffee shop where I thrived! I truly enjoyed what I was doing and working daily with your best friend doesn’t get much better. I had no clue how hard of a job it was and that it was nice to not have peoples lives in my hands. The summer flew by, and I learned just exactly what a cappuccino was, and I still do not drink coffee and the smell still repulses me.

As the past year comes to close, I can look back on this day a year ago and know once again I have overcame everything thrown my way no matter how much I resented that a year ago or repeatedly being told “you’re so strong, you can do it, you’ll be fine” the truth is I am strong, stronger than I wanted to be and stronger than I ever give myself credit for. I can do almost anything I set my mind to and will continue to do so. And while I was far from fine, I am a okay now but only because I have the most incredible family, a friend who took care of me in more ways than one and has never made me feel less, and a few other great friends who checked in and made sure I was okay and a dog who’s love is unwavering and the reason I get out of bed every day for. Stella deserves the best life and all the toys she wants.

A year ago, the tunnel was dark, and I couldn’t see the light at the end of it. But as this year for me comes to a close the tunnel is bright, and my spark is sparkling, and I am more and more me each day.